#13: Breaking the Cycle

Sharing about the abuse and neglect I experienced as a child is not easy. However, I believe sharing our story is important--even if it makes the listener (or person sharing) feel pangs of discomfort. Though sharing for the right reasons also matters. I am not disclosing details for attention or for an excuse to play the victim. Instead, I want others to know breaking the cycle of abuse IS possible and is a choice. 

My caretakers did not keep me safe or give unconditional love. Not only were my basic needs neglected, but I experienced physical, sexual, and emotional abuse from my mom, dad, and foster parent. I was beaten with large wooden boards, bathed in scalding hot water, and left naked in the cold.  My parents never parented or protected me, I had to do that myself. 

When my daughter made me a mother at 24, I sure as hell didn't have a good blueprint to refer to. I suppose some of the survival-strategies of self-parenting I had to apply to my own life helped me. I am very grateful for my incredible husband and partner, Steve, who had a rocky upbringing too. Together we intentionally chose to break that cycle. We wanted our children to know love and safety and to provide that for them. We were not coddling parents though. From my upbringing--as dark as it was sometimes-- taught me an important lesson: you need to be able to take care of yourself. So, this was a lesson I wanted to instill in all three of my children.

I had no clue how to be a 'good' parent, but I definitely knew what it looked like to be a bad one. I chose laughter. I chose consistency. I chose boundaries. I chose love. I said a whole lot of prayers--and today I am proud to say my children do not know abuse or neglect. They know Steve and I love them, believe in them, and are their biggest cheerleaders. We are there too when they need help solving a problem, but we work hard not to fix it for them. The cycle of abuse stopped with us. And now that I am a grandma, it makes me feel that much more joy to know how much better their lives will be. 

It's easy (and comfortable) to lean into what you know (even if it is something negative). But it is worth it to do the hard work and CHOOSE to transcend abusive patterns. You don't need to be a perfect parent to be a great parent, but you do need to show up, do your best, and be the adult you wished you had. 

Until Next Monday... 

This is Kelly--breaking our third wall--and I am here to add an addendum to this post. When Pollyann sent her notes on this topic I was inspired to reach out to her daughters  to ask their thoughts about their mom breaking the cycle of abuse. While I believe hearing from Pollyann's perspective is important, there is a power to hearing first-hand from her daughters. I have added their comments below: 

"My mom is beautiful proof that breaking the cycle is possible. She has always told us that life is built on choices, and as an adult, you realize there are a lot of choices to be made. One of the choices she made was to break the cycle and this involved making many small, difficult sacrifices throughout her adult life. Now, as an adult myself, I realize that is not a choice I have to make, and I am forever grateful. 

Growing up, my mom would schedule meeting with the principal of the school before school registration to ENSURE we had the best teacher. For her, going to school as a kid was a traumatizing experience and she knew the impact the teacher had on our experience and education. This is a way she broke the chain and made me feel safe and taken care of, while being in someone else’s care.

My mom NEVER took a sip of alcohol, and I as I grew older, I started to realize that wasn’t the norm. I then learned that she wasn’t willing to take even the smallest risk of becoming addicted while we were under her roof. She knew addiction ran deep in her family and saw the consequences firsthand. It wasn’t until my brother's high school graduation that she took her first sip of a margarita. 

As I grew up, she knew she couldn’t shelter us from the world, but she made sure our world was protected and safe. I always knew she would be there to fight for me and support me." 
- Sierra

"My mom provided so much love and safety for me growing up which has had a major impact on who I am now. I never experienced walking into our home and ever feeling unsafe. Consistent, she was so consistent with her love and kindness. She provided for us so well, all the while not losing sight of herself, her dreams and her goals. As a mom now, it’s incredible that I have this example of what it’s like to love your family and yourself. Love begets love and the love she gave me growing up, seeps into me loving my own girls. I’m so grateful." 
- Liz