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Foster Kid
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Did you know that one in seven children are physically or sexually abused? Innocent children suffer needlessly from abuse and neglect at the hands of family members, caregivers, friends, legal guardians, those who told them they love them and are there to protect them. That means in a class of 32 students, at least four have experienced abuse. April is Child Abuse Awareness Month and in order to raise awareness for this pervasive problem, I am penning this post. I am one in seven. I have experienced physical and sexual abuse as a child. I have also chosen to be a child welfare advocate and be a part of the solution (instead of adding to the problem or turning a blind eye). Talking about my abuse is not easy, and yet I am compelled to share some of my story in case it can help someone process their own experiences or motivate someone else to act to help. My mother (who birthed me and loved me) physically and emotionally abused me. My father (who also loved me) neglected me and did not protect me from people he allowed into our home. My foster father–who came into my life to protect me from the abuse of my parents–took advantage of me and sexually abused me. I will never forget telling my siblings with hopeful tears in my eyes that “we would be going to a new home where there was love and protection waiting for us.” Only to be met with more trauma from strangers. Other extended family members also “stepped up to help” only to be as abusive as my parents. Beyond the abuse I sustained at home, I also encountered abuse at the hands of teachers. Although educators are supposed to guide and support children, some I encountered led a lasting negative impact. I would come to school exhausted because I was unable to sleep at night due to the violence in my home. A majority of my teachers showed no sympathy and would punish me by placing my desk in the hallway for falling asleep in class. I recall one teacher, who would become angry if I did not eat ALL of the “free lunch” provided for me. She would take a metal fork and force feed me, stabbing the roof of my mouth in the process and making me bleed. None of these adults (who signed up to support children) had empathy or asked me questions to try and understand. Instead, they attempted to punish or control me and left me feeling even more helpless. But there were those who DID step up for me too (thank God for them). These adults were vocal, vigilant, and supportive in the ways they knew how to be. I had a neighbor who embraced me and made me a member of their family. They provided safety, support, and love and allowed me to BE a child (and gave me an example of what a family could be). My fourth-grade teacher asked important questions. She asked me what I was experiencing at home and how she could help me; she also made the call to social services. In my teen years, I had a youth director who helped me see I was valuable, loved, and gave me hope for the future. He and his family allowed me into their home and gave me a safe place to sleep. I was deeply inspired to become an advocate for children because of both sets of adults described above. While it took me ten years to finish my degree in social work, I was determined to be a supportive person in the lives of children who needed it most (like I did as a child). I wanted to be a voice for those who didn’t have a voice and to lend support to parents to make positive changes. I have been doing this work for seventeen years and I am proud of the support I have extended to families. Now, I am moving forward with my coaching certification to continue helping people move forward and heal from their trauma and to empower them to be the person they desire to be. Our children are valuable. Abuse and maltreatment have long-term impacts on the physical, mental, and emotional development of children. Protecting children is critical. I challenge you to be the person you needed as a child. Be like my neighbor, my fourth-grade teacher, or youth director. Find whatever way you can make a difference–even if it feels small to you I promise it can have a big, lasting impact on that child. I know, because those who stepped up in my life have had a lasting impact on me. Until Next Monday… For more information or to find ways to support children experiencing abuse visit: National Child Abuse Prevention Month - Child Welfare Information Gateway 
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Dear Steve, Wednesday, April 20th marks our 25th anniversary! On this date, I married the love of my life. I remember driving in the Mazda 8 with friends to Reno and driving home afterwards because we had no money for a hotel stay. I recall how we promised to love each other ‘til the end of time, and how determined we were to know we could make that promise come true. We knew we were perfectly imperfect for each other but that was more than enough. We ALWAYS knew we would make it no matter what! We overcame every obstacle that came our way and did not allow anyone (or anything) to hold us back. Our love has always been unconditional and STRONG! On this day I remember everything we have been through together, and all we have accomplished (the truth is we have accomplished A LOT): college degrees, raising three amazing kids, traveling the United States running a marathon in every state...just to name a few. I cannot imagine my life without you in it! You add so much joy and laughter and have been a part of all my favorite experiences! You have always inspired me to become the best version of myself. You have always pushed me forward and remind me that with God, hard work and determination I can be anyone I want to be. You are my better half, my lover, and my best friend! You are my biggest support and cheerleader. As Sierra would say, “Dad is team Pollyann!" I can never thank You enough for being my best friend in the whole world, my safe harbor, my peaceful joyous haven! Thank you for never making me doubt you or your intentions. Thank you for your honesty and for being faithful. Thank you for being a Godly, loyal husband worthy of my trust. Thank you for taking care of me and always taking my needs into consideration (even through menopause :)). Thank you for always making our marriage your number one Priority! Thank you for being the Best Sherpa ever and the best possible Pops to our children–-raising them together has been FUN! Thank you for making me proud to have children with you. Thank you for putting up with me all these years. Thank you for embracing my imperfections and for loving me because of them. Thank you for allowing me to be myself. Thank you for being YOU! I have fallen in love with you each day of our 25 years together. You make marriage so EASY and so FUN (especially when life has seemed so challenging otherwise). You are ‘peace’ to me. I love you with all my heart and I look forward to growing old with your hand holding mine. Even though we ain't got a lot of money I am still in love with you honey… And in the morning when I rise YOU bring a tear of JOY to MY eyes… Happy Anniversary to my fun, loving Husband! Here’s to the next 25 years…. CHEERS! Pollyann Until Next Monday... (and forever more with you)  After finishing a half IRONMAN last week and as I prepare for a full 140.6 IRONMAN (which is in two weeks) I hear a lot of people respond by saying “I wish I could complete an IRONMAN…” A big-ol’ ‘but’ usually follows and some type of physical or financial excuse to entry. Some tell me they are too old (but are certainly younger than the 87-year-old record holder). Others express a bad knee, hip, or ‘insert ailing body part here’ to prevent their participation (although most competing athletes are working through some type of injury themselves). But I am here to say that neither physical nor financial barriers will keep you from becoming an IRONMAN. The only thing keeping you from that title is yourself. As a social worker and community college employee, my husband and my combined income is below the IRONMAN average. So, we were not buying the best of everything, nor paying a premium for coaches and a-la-carte extras. Instead, we focused on what we needed and made it work. I completed 6 full IRONMANs and several half IRONMANs using my $800 bike. I purchased a wetsuit at an outlet for $100 and invested in a good pair of running shoes that run a bit over $100. I have a gym membership and will see a chiropractor when necessary (but not regularly). When we travel for races, we stay outside of the main city to save money. We also make lifestyle choices to live modestly and eat at home. These choices (or “sacrifices”) enable us to participate (and the experiences mean more than anything money could buy). An IRONMAN triathlon is a physical feat, that is true. A full IRONMAN consists of a 2.4-mile open-water swim, 112-mile bike ride, and a 26.2-mile run. To complete this race, you must have fortitude. Fortitude is the strength of mind that helps a person overcome challenge, pain, and adversity with courage. And this fortitude is required beyond race day alone. I go to bed early, I eat a balanced diet, and I am at the gym while most of the world sleeps every morning. The discipline and dedication required to get a 2–3-hour workout in every day is imperative (yet the average person would not be willing to do this). I believe success is 80% mind and 20% body. While I am a firm believer in listening to our bodies, I too value challenging ourselves and trying. I do not let a fall off my bike or tendonitis in my hip stop me from trying. My consistent effort, determination, and discipline earned me the right to be called an IRONMAN. I proudly wear this title because of everything that finish line represents. There is so much joy in overcoming extreme challenges physically and mentally. I know many reading this have no desire to become an IRONMAN, but I’m sure there is something in your life that you want to accomplish or a challenge that is on your mind. Ask yourself if you are prepared to come out of your comfort zone. It may be something that is not a physical feat but possibly a lifestyle change that will bring increased happiness to your life. Don’t be afraid to take on the challenge, just be prepared to put in the work. To be an IRONMAN or accomplish your life goals you will need an iron will, everything else is just a detail that you can overcome. “ENDURANCE IS ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT DISCIPLINES, BUT IT IS TO THE ONE WHO ENDURES THAT THE FINAL VICTORY COMES” -BUDDHA Until Next Monday…  The definition of victim mentality is: “an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case.” Many people find comfort (and attention) when they lean in to being a victim. Although I have experienced trauma, abuse, and difficulty throughout my life, I have always refused to lock myself in the cage of victimhood.
Transcending the victim orientation is not easy. However, it is absolutely possible and necessary in order to live a joyful life. When you feel “woe is me” for negative experiences, that mindset not only poisons your life but also those around you. If you are a parent, this means you are modeling being a victim to your kids. So rather than feeling empowered and taking actionable steps, they resort to blame and inaction. Or they may feel like they need to rescue and care for you because you are unable. This means your child has to take care of you and grow too fast (which is unfair to them). Similarly, your partner may choose to rescue and coddle you or it can make them grow apathetic and distant from you. So, if you cannot transcend the victim for your own benefit, do it for the loved ones in your life. Horrible events happen that can be classified as cruel, traumatic, or unfair. You can be victimized by strangers, friends, family members, people you respect, and even yourself. Coping is often challenging when we feel victimized and we feel isolated and overwhelmed. But I believe embracing the role of the victim, over time, becomes more detrimental to one’s health than the original event. This is because people “self medicate” with substances, food, and other unhealthy habits. In my life I have experienced so many traumatic events and abusive relationships (I detailed some of those experiences in my last blog post). But I have chosen to rebuke the label of victim. Instead, I empower myself by being a creator and building the life I want to live (and that I want my husband and children to experience). I choose to move forward (sometimes barely and on my tip toes). I avoided all substances and made an investment into my physical health. Doing these things weren't the easy choice, but the right one. Below are several tools that I utilize to avoid the victim mindset. I share what works for me not as a prescription, but as an example. I challenge you to try them out and determine for yourself if they work for you or inspire you to get curious and ask yourself what you might need to help yourself transcend the victim label.
You can be free and let yourself out of the cage that confines you. Maybe you feel like a victim at work, in relation to your spouse or child, or due to a traumatic event. Perception is reality. A cancer diagnosis cannot be changed. How you choose to live each moment after that diagnosis though is your choice. Excusing bad behavior because of your past traumas is also a choice. And finally, choosing to thrive regardless of your circumstances and past by creating in the here and now is a choice. I challenge you to open your cage, and fly. Until Next Monday... |
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