Running is the way I cope with daily stress and my past. To say 'running is my medicine' may be a cliche, but is undoubtedly accurate. Commonly, people rely on drugs, alcohol, food, or passive activities like television to escape their trauma or negative emotions. Most non-runners believe running only benefits the body, but the habit truly improves the mind and mood of the person in laced up shoes. Neuroscientists have found running activates serotonin (mood stabilizer) and endorphins (pain relief) in the brain. Similarly, if you attach a goal to running, then by meeting that goal you are also releasing dopamine (the reward chemical). By participating in this physical activity, you are naturally improving your mental and emotional state. Therefore my daily dose of running is as important as your daily multivitamin. 

When I set out to run my first marathon I was 25 years old, pregnant with my third child, working evenings, attending college, and raising a family. My husband Steve and I began training together after I gave birth to my son. Nine months postpartum, I crossed that first 26.2-mile finish line beaming with pride. Though I quickly needed to return to the hotel room in order to pump since I was still breastfeeding. I was hooked on running, and my sights were on my next goal: qualify for the Boston Marathon. 

Runners can qualify to run at the Boston Marathon in two ways: fundraising or by meeting a certain time requirement. My goal was to qualify by meeting the time requirement. A friend and I signed up for the White Rock Marathon in Dallas as our qualifying race, and began training. Our training plan was simple. We did not rely on cutting-edge technology, use coaches, or complex training tactics. Instead we focused on a simple watch, hills, and scheduled long runs. With a paper band on my arm displaying the cut off times needed: I set out to run the White Rock marathon. My legs burned, but I did it and was Boston bound. While I am proud of this running accomplishment, I realized that speed is not what fills me, and my goals since are not attached to time. 

Since I accomplished my speed goal qualifying for Boston, I spent the 26.2 miles of the Boston Marathon soaking up every aspect of the event. I gave high-fives to sideline supporters, took candy from smiling children, and talked to the other runners accompanying me on the course. While I wasn't attached to the time it took me to cross that finish line, passing over that threshold was an incredible feeling. With this significant feather in my runner's cap, I was on to my next goal. 

Work began on two goals simultaneously. I wanted to complete 100 marathons and also run a marathon in each of the 50 states. In 2018 I crossed the finish line of my 100th marathon in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. While it took me ten years to complete my 50 states goal, I did so January of 2022 in Lahaina, Hawaii. Just like the first marathon I ever ran 9-months postpartum,  I crossed those finish lines holding the hand of my husband Steve. Amidst these years of marathon running, I also became a six-time IRONMAN® athlete thanks to motivation and support by my gym friend Ron Gurely (who knew I was capable of this feat before I did). 

Marathons are a lot of fun--the celebratory atmosphere and abundance of spectators and runners--but there is no greater joy than running free in nature. I have run several 50 mile trail runs and my passion for 'getting lost' on the trail has inspired me to set my sights on my next goal: completing a 100 mile train run. To accomplish this goal I will be prescribing myself a heavy dose of running in nature for the next year. To quote Jon Muir: "into the forest I go to lose my mind and find my soul." What can you prescribe yourself that heals the soul? Seek activities, hobbies, and goals that heal you, rather than numb you.

Every incredible journey requires you to start somewhere. Before I could run 100 marathons I needed to run one. and before I ran one I needed to run one mile. Through the years I have steadily increased my dose of running; when you are just starting out the dose is much lower. But even that lower, initial dose is impactful. The improved mood from the serotonin boost, emotional pain relief from the surge of endorphins and the elation of that dopamine hit when you accomplish any-level running goal will be a medicine worth prescribing.

Until next Monday... 

Our strongest memories are often those associated with a powerful emotional response. Therefore it isn't surprising that the earliest memory I can recall is seeing my dad drag my mom by her hair down the street. Abuse has unfortunately been a pervasive theme in my life, both experienced personally and observed professionally. 

Another memory that lingers at the forefront of my mind is reading A Child Called It, by Dave Pezler. This book details the horrific abuse and neglect Pezler suffered by his mentally-ill mother. While I do not recall the details of this book, the feeling of shock I felt is still palpable. "Someone else was abused by their mother, it wasn't just me." Up until this point, I had always heard of other male figures--like fathers and  uncles being abusive, but not mothers. I found so much solace in just knowing someone else had an experience like mine: I wasn't alone.

Pezler was brave to write about abuse and share his experience. He went on to author six more titles and continues to heal himself and others through his words. By reading about his experience, I felt empowered. I read this book when I was beginning my college journey in my late twenties. At the time, I was reading at a second-grade level, working, and raising a family. While it took me ten years to complete my degree (another story for another post), I persisted. Pezler's vulnerability motivated me to live in my own truth, rather than burying it. He also reaffirmed my believe that I am capable of helping others because of those experiences, and showed me I don't need to be a victim to my past traumas. 

Now, again I find myself refining how I can help others heal (while continuing to heal myself). As a certified trauma coach, I hope to help others rise above the abuse of their past--not just survive but thrive. My past does not define me, but it is a part of me. Abuse and trauma are more common than we like to admit. In the age of social media where people cloak themselves in the armor of the perfect-life-highlight reel, the need for authenticity and vulnerability are more important than ever. 

Beyond the work that I do, I choose to share my story with others--this includes the good and the stuff I'd rather forget. Like Brene Brown says, we should not overshare details for their shock value, but rather be vulnerable with those who deserve to hear our story. When I am having a conversation with someone at the gym and there is a reason to share an element of my past that is relevant to the discussion: I share it. By being vulnerable, I am allowing those around me to be vulnerable too. This too deepens the bond I have with this person and helps old wounds heal. In a social media age where superficiality dominates, I am continually choosing authenticity. 

To quote Brene Brown again: "One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide." By finding the courage to be vulnerable and share your story, you are helping others realize surviving beyond abuse is possible and that they aren't alone. Dave Pezler's story showed me I wasn't alone. I hope that by sharing my story and listening to the stories of others, we can create not only survival guides, but guides to thrive.

​Until Next Monday... 

Deciding to Jump
When my youngest turned sixteen and began driving himself to practices, I knew I would have more time on my hands. I could spend this time being idle, or I could use it in a meaningful way. As I sat in bed contemplating my options, right then and there decided to jump. I registered, paid, and therefore committed myself to a sprint, half, and full IRONMAN®. My goal to become an IRONMAN®  would take me out of my comfort zone; for starters, I didn't even know how to swim! 

To date, I have completed six IRONMAN Triathlons® with my seventh scheduled in Texas for later this year. In each one, I overcame novel challenges. Every single time I choose to jump in again to whatever awaits me.  So often we want to stay in our comfort zone where it is safe; but if we want to grow, we cannot stay there. We must repeatedly jump again and again. My kids often roll their eyes when I sport my cap that reads 'Your Comfort Zone is a Lie' but this message embodies the mindset that enables me to overcome challenges. That little voice in your head that wants to keep you safe and comfortable is lying to you: joy and growth await you when you jump outside of of that protective zone! 

The Sprint + Half 
In March of 2016 I attempted a sprint triathlon in Keller, Texas. I always had a fear of the water, I nearly drowned as a child. This race would require me to face that fear. By watching youtube videos to learn how to swim and practicing in buoyancy shorts, I taught myself how to swim. When I jumped in the pool for the tri, I was shocked by the cold water. Albeit embarrassing, I effectively propelled myself forward by using the rope that separates the pool lanes. I swallowed my pride and proceeded forward, and I completed the race. 

In April of 2017 I completed my first half IRONMAN® in Galveston, TX. Again, my biggest challenge was the water. Only this time I was facing my first swim in the ocean. I may be talking a lot about 'jumping in' but in this race I actually scooted into the water by sliding in while sitting on my butt (but in I went even if it didn't look skillful). That little voice inside may have doubted me, but I was at least going to go for it. My goal was simple: just move forward. The salt water and my wetsuit helped keep me afloat. When I finished that swim, I was on a high, in fact I don't even remember the ride or run. Other challenges feel like a breeze, that is the power of overcoming a block. 

IRONMAN® Chattanooga 
My confidence as a swimmer was still very low. In September of 2017 I entered my next race with two friends. When they went out for a practice swim, I did not join them. I was terrified, but I specifically chose this race because the swim was down stream. Upon entering the water I had a panic attack that lasted at least five minutes. During that time I knew I needed to collect myself and lower my heart rate. I focused on my breathing and told myself to just move forward. And forward I moved, even if it was slowly. When I got my bag at transition, I noticed only five other bags remaining (clearly I was at the back of the pack). That didn't matter to me though, I jumped and was going to keep going, even if I was the last to finish. I longed to hear the words "POLLYANN KELLER, YOU ARE AN IRONMAN!" And when I finally did cross that finish line, I heard those incredible words and I saw my husband Steve's face beaming with pride. The joy I felt cannot be described: Pollyann, a foster kid and now an IRONMAN®. 

IRONMAN® Louisville 
My next IRONMAN® race was in Louisville, Kentucky in 2018. This time my husband Steve was no longer on the sidelines rooting for me, but would be seeking the IRONMAN® title as well. We decided to use this race to count for Kentucky for our "50 Marathons in 50 States" goal. This time, I did attempt the practice swim. After doing so I felt incredibly defeated. I could not get upstream. The next day, we  were in the rain and froze, as we waited with thousands of people to jump in for the swim. The pros were pulled out of the water because they couldn't get upstream. Eventually, the call was made to divert the course downstream, but I was still worried (and freezing from all the waiting around). While swimming, I had another panic attack but kept going, using the buoys to guide me as I floated to the finish. As I started my bike ride I was shivering and my hands were numb, I could not get warm. I thought scaling the hills on my bike would warm me up, but the hills came and went and I was still shivering. At this point my focus was on getting to the aid station. 

When I finally got to the aid station at mile 30, they had moved the tent indoors to a high school. There were droves of competitors being treated for hypothermia and others waiting for a ride off the course because they were not going to complete the race. Spending fifteen minutes under the bathroom dryers, I failed to warm myself. I reconnected with Steve and a few friends and we called ourselves "the never quitters." We concocted a plan to keep ourselves warm as we continued onward. We wrapped our bodies in medical blankets and duct-taped them to us, then we put our clothes on. Over our clothes we adorned our bodies and heads with mylar blankets to block the rain. Throwing out our socks, we wrapped our frozen feet in Mylar blankets. These layers, determination, and positive self talk got me through the remainder of the race. During my run I finally warmed up, and this 'never quitter' crossed that finish line. 

IRONMAN® Maryland  
In 2019 we decided to check another state off our "50 Marathons in 50 States" list with IRONMAN® Maryland. This time it wasn't exactly the water that was my biggest obstacle, but what was in the water. When I jumped in my vision was obscured by body glide spray that was smeared on my goggles. I was already having difficulty seeing, but the situation quickly got worse. I felt something wrap around my arm, it was a long tentacle jellyfish that was abnormal for this area. They were apparently brought in by Hurricane Dorian. I was stung on my arms, legs, and face (including my nose and mouth). This caused me to experience another panic attack. When I was finally out of the water I began swelling and was experiencing incredible pain. My greatest fear was that I was experiencing an allergic reaction. With stings on my neck and face, I was worried how my breathing could be impacted. 

With instructions to douse my welts in vinegar, I listened and nervously got on my bike to begin my ride.  Uncertain with the ride ahead, I had tears in my eyes from the pain, but I peddled ahead anyway. Needing a break, I pulled to the side of the course and a young woman--who didn't need to--stopped to check on me. She told me I was going to be ok and that what I was experiencing was normal. On a practice swim she learned butt butter helped these stings. This kind stranger was right: it hurt, but it helped. Having her validate what I was experiencing was enough to put me at ease and I could tell myself "I am ok" and keep going. Another 140.6 IRONMAN® completed. 

IRONMAN® Cozumel 
In November of 2021 I completed my sixth and most recent Ironman in Cozumel, Mexico. Before the race even began we had issues transporting our bikes to Mexico (we did not know if we could put them back together once we got there). Then of course we had many additional hurdles to jump due to Covid. But if there is a will there is a way. Again I found a challenge in the water since I needed to complete this swim without a wetsuit. Being in open water without a wetsuit was a terrifying thought. Again I used self talk to reassure myself I could do it.  Continually I told myself "it's ok, you're just in the pool... you don't need a wetsuit."  Again, I jumped in. During the swim, I veered off to the left and hit a cold spot. I froze and had a panic attack. I calmed myself and doggy paddled my way back to the herd. When we got on our bikes to start the 112 mile ride, a huge storm rolled in with thunder and lightning. In certain puddles the water came up to my knees! By mile 90 the rain stopped and a beautiful rainbow appeared. This brought a smile to my face and yet again I appreciated the struggle, because without it we do not truly know what we are capable of doing. Now I know that while a wetsuit makes me comfortable, I don't require one. 

Take Away 
You can spend your whole life in your comfort zone. You can make excuses for why you shouldn't try something challenging. But you have a choice. A choice to stay where you are comfortable or to jump in and jump out of your comfort zone to see what you are really capable of. A quote from Einstein states "A ship is always safe at shore, but that is not what it was built for." We are not made to be safe inside our comfort zone. What will you choose? To stay docked and rust, safe at shore? Or will you pick up your anchor and discover what awaits you? The choice is yours: jump in. 
​
Until next Monday... 

"There is no Passion to be found in playing small, in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."
-Nelson Mandela 

I realized I could not continue choosing to settle for less or playing small. In my life I have faced many challenges: some sought (like my Ironman races) and others forced upon me (like navigating the foster care system). So I am no stranger to the feeling of discomfort from leaving your comfort zone. If I could teach myself how to swim via Youtube ahead of my first Ironman, I could choose to start over at 48. 

So I decided.  And because of that, I find myself in transition, going back to the metaphorical drawing board. I am working to complete certifications to become a health and life coach (who specializes in trauma). I am also choosing to begin this blog in hopes of offering content that is real and raw and motivates others to transcend. 

While Mondays can sometimes feel like you're at the base of a mountain you're preparing to climb, I hope my weekly Monday morning posts can invigorate you to take another step intentionally towards that metaphorical mountain. From sharing stories of my past (some traumatic and others empowering) I hope to create fuel that helps you reflect on your own circumstances and inspires you to take action toward actualizing a fulfilling life.

If you feel stuck in one or more elements of your life, this is a space for you. I have found that my own feelings of being stuck are not unique to my own experience. In fact, many people feel trapped. We can make excuses for why we accept this, but we are only lying to ourselves to stay comfortable (staying with a job because of retirement benefits for example). I hope these posts help you see you are not alone. I hope they also motivate you to choose to unsettle yourself.

In a nutshell, I am settling in to being unsettled. As I embark on my 2022 journey I am invigorated (and a little scared) of what lies ahead. I am taking new coaching clients, will be completing the Texas Ironman, training for my first 100-mile trail  run, will be completing my challenge of 50 marathons in 50 states, completing new certification programs, and disrupting the 'stuck' I have felt for years. While my schedule feels packed and I feel stretched by these new pursuits, I also feel like I have more energy because of them. When the hobbies and work we choose are genuinely fulfilling, spending time on them actually fills our cup instead of pours from it. And when we align ourselves with what fills us, we can more easily recognize what drains us and choose accordingly. 

I will leave you today with a quote that feels appropriate as we begin this new year: "Where you are a year from now is a reflection of the choices you choose to make right now." The choices you make today, next week, and next month will impact where you are in 2023.  If you are feeling stuck, you must choose to lift your foot. If you are feeling fulfilled you must continue stepping in that direction. Start moving, I know I am. 

Until next Monday... 
#MotivationMonday #FosterKid2UltraAthlete #GratefulThankfulBlessed #IronmanAthlete