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Foster Kid
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There is a different kind of hurt that comes from an unhealthy and abusive parent. A parent is someone who is supposed to show unconditional love and fundamental support. However, many people who have children are not mentally or emotionally equipped to show up in a healthy way for their children. The scarring and hurt that arises from a relationship with an abusive parent isn’t something we talk about enough (if at all). Of course, no one is perfect including our parents. But certain levels of dysfunction become destructive. Unhealthy parents create environments with varying levels of neglect, emotional, verbal, sexual, or physical abuse. Children with these parents experience lying, manipulation, shame, criticism, and shame. Unfortunately, what’s often missing from their lives is warmth, security, and connection. So, if a child grows up with unhealthy, abusive parents, can this same child–now an adult–have a relationship with those same parents? For me, the answer is a conditional yes. Yes, I can have a connection with my mom and dad, BUT with deliberate and strong boundaries. My relationship is minimal with my parents. I do not create boundaries to control, but instead to protect (myself and my children). I act from a place of love, understanding and kindness. But I needed to remind myself not to expect anything or that they would reciprocate what I chose to put into the relationship. I had to accept the love I deserved would not come back to me. I needed to love myself enough to fill the well that they might try to bleed dry. Unhealthy parents may not be capable of giving you the love and respect you deserve. If your conditions aren’t met, you ARE allowed to slam that door shut and put a lock on it. Healing from an abusive upbringing starts with you. You choose to do it and own the work that goes into your own healing. You must start by acknowledging that the lifetime of messages that left you hollow and scarred ARE WRONG. It requires you to open your heart (which you may have closed to protect yourself from even more pain) and choose to love and validate yourself. You may find that showing love and compassion to the people that hurt you is what's necessary or you may come to a place of peace knowing the greatest gift of self-love and self-respect comes from letting go of that relationship. With deliberate action to move forward, you can bravely proceed to a life that is fulfilling and happy. Be open to the possibilities and make the best decision for YOU. Don’t allow the world to define what your relationships should look like. It’s important to do what is best for YOU, whether people approve of it or not. This is YOUR LIFE! “Make peace with your broken pieces.” -r.h. Sin Until Next Monday… 
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Growing up, I didn’t believe God existed. How could a kind and loving God allow a child such as me to experience so much pain and abuse? Although I did not believe it at the time, I attended my first Young Life meeting in the tenth grade with a friend. While I cannot remember the details of the meeting, my participation that night led to my life being changed forever–for the better.
Many crazy, loud, and loving teenagers greeted and embraced me that Wednesday evening. I became a weekly attendee. At most meetings, I would hear everyone talk about attending camp in Malibu. Fellow club members gushed that camp would be the best week of my life and that I ought to attend. I sadly informed them that I didn’t have money and would therefore be unable to join them. However, several congregation members of a local church agreed to pay my way to camp if I assisted them with yard work. Off to camp I went. My friends were right, camp was amazing! The food was top-notch and served to us by waiters. We enjoyed ziplining, water skiing, music, and games galore. I made new friends and appreciated the most glorious scenery in creation. We joined together for a nightly Christian message. On the last night at camp, I heard a woman share her story of how God’s love healed her wounds from abuse she sustained from her mother. I felt connected to this woman’s story because I too was abused by my mother and had not heard of anyone else ever experiencing this. She also said, " No matter how damaged and broken we are, God still loves us and wants us.” That night, I said a prayer to God for the first time. I told him that I was unsure if he was real, but if he was to please forgive me of my sins and come into my heart and life. After praying this prayer, a peace washed over me like I had never experienced before. I know my heart received the gift of salvation that night. When I returned home to the brick house the next day, my life of severe abuse and pain continued for many years–seven to be exact. However, I trusted that with God in my heart I could sustain. I believed that no matter the damage I experienced, God was looking out for me, and I would be okay. I have witnessed many miracles in my life since praying to God that night, and I believe that they were empowered through prayer (for another post). Being on a spiritual path does not prevent darkness, pain, and suffering. However, faith teaches us how to use that darkness as a tool to grow and overcome. Psalm 40:2 He brought me up out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. Until Next Monday... I did not have a compass that pointed due north when I graduated high school. In fact, I don’t think I had a compass at all. When I received my diploma, I knew I needed to leave my home filled with addiction and abuse. I didn’t know where I would stay or how I’d get my next meal. To make matters worse, I was deeply depressed. I was fearful and hopeless during this uncertain time in my life. Fortunately, my youth director was caring and supportive. He presented me with the opportunity to attend a conservative Baptist college in California (at the time I was living in Washington). Since I had nothing to my name, the youth director helped me secure a scholarship and establish a job at the college as a groundskeeper. The decision to attend school was a difficult one. I did not want to leave my siblings behind, and the strong emotions clouded my judgment and only added to my depression. I realized this was the only viable option I had and chose to pack my bags and head to school in California. The day before I departed, I contemplated whether or not my life was worth living. I am grateful that I chose to take that next step forward, despite the darkness and fear I felt inside. While my upbringing was no picnic, my alien surroundings at school were off putting. Here I was, like a fish out of water with a bunch of pastors’ kids who could not relate to me. For perspective, I had never had a washing machine or microwave, and rarely had working heat. I was reading on a second-grade level and struggled to comprehend the material covered in my classes. What’s more, the choice to leave my siblings weighed heavily on my heart. I was a student at this college for one year. What I learned more than anything from this experience is that you don’t know what someone has been through (or is going through) by looking at them. I might have looked like any of the other students, but it was almost as if I came from a different planet than my peers. We can be kind and curious about those we encounter, because we simply never know. To quote Maya Angelou, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Until Next Monday...  Labor Day celebrates the American worker; I see no more appropriate post than to share a takeaway from each of the diverse opportunities that fill up my resume.
My journey as a worker began one summer in junior high. I assisted the roofers for my uncle’s roofing company. I would ensure the yards were free of shingles, trash, and nails. What I learned from this role was the importance of work ethic and working hard. My second job was managing a paper route. I delivered the standard newspaper six days a week and a large Sunday edition. I had to wake up early, around 5 am, each morning and put the papers together ahead of delivery. This was additionally difficult because I would have a hard time sleeping due to the loud parties that occurred every night. Once a month, I would need to collect money from the houses, if I didn’t collect, I didn’t get paid. My takeaway from this job is that you need to be consistent and cannot rely on excuses. I couldn’t miss a day–even if I was sick or exhausted– and had to motivate myself to put in the work. My first “real” job was working at the Brown Cow Drive In at the age of sixteen. I was working 40 hours a week in addition to attending high school full time. Shortly after being hired, I was promoted to being a manager. Here I had the added stress of dealing with money and dissatisfied customers. However, this job was a nice escape from home. During this time, I learned I could juggle multiple obligations. As soon as I graduated high school, I immediately began working at Pacific Coast College as a groundskeeper. I held this position until I left the college. I needed to have a job while I studied to survive. Although the work was hard, I appreciated being outside in sunny California. In this position I took away the benefit of being in nature and outside. After leaving my first husband (a long story for another post) I was desperate and in a low place in my life. I needed a job right away and for a short time span worked at Mcdonalds. What I learned here is that sometimes you have to take the job you are overqualified for to make ends meet. Later, when I got back on my feet and was taking classes at a community college, I worked at Albertsons in their produce department. I enjoyed this job and was able to laugh and connect with my friend Laurie, who also worked there. Here I learned how much better a work environment can be with friends who make your day brighter. Another transition in my life brought me to a different college in California and a job as a hostess at Cracker Barrel. This job was easy and a necessary escape because this was another tumultuous time in my life. Here I learned how a positive environment and teamwork can create a fun environment at work, even when things are difficult at home. Shortly after this, I moved on to work as a waitress at Denny’s. This phase of my life was incredibly low and I struggled to concentrate and just get through my shifts. The lesson I carry forward from here is to always be KIND and remember that wait staff have bad days too and we should treat them with humanity and not as robot servants. My next position was much better than the previous few. I remember my time working as a caterer and waitress on Beale Air Force Base fondly. I made life-long friends–including my best friend and husband, Steve. I was onto my third community college and determined not to give up. I learned that friends could help you find ‘things’ you have lost: your smile, laughter, courage, and hope. While married and raising our kids, I got a job at Sheppard Air Force Base working as a caterer, waitress, and bartender. I worked nights so I could stay home with our children during the day. I would drop the kids off at Steve’s work at 5 pm and then go into work myself. I was also working on my bachelor's degree and worked this job through graduation (I finally did it) and qualified for the Boston Marathon during this time, too. Looking back, working nights allowed me to prioritize staying home with my children during the day, while also making necessary funds to help support our family. Once I graduated with a degree in social work, I got my first job with Adult Protective Services. This job was emotionally distressing, and I did not stay long. This job allowed me to get my foot in the door with Protective Services, which was my goal. My lesson here is a somber one about the abuse that the elderly and individuals with disabilities experience. Since I was a young child, I knew I wanted to be a social worker and help children, who grew up like I did. I started working with Child Protective Services as a caseworker. After ten years of college, I achieved this goal. I have enjoyed working with children and families in Texas and am very passionate about my work. However, working for the state has been one of my biggest regrets due to the poor treatment I have experienced. The lesson I have learned from this position is I can create a loving and positive environment for children and families and help them in their current situation because of the negativity I experienced with the system during my own childhood. I always try to be the person who I needed as a child. I am not done yet! I recently became a certified health and wellness coach and finished specializing in trauma coaching. I want to continue helping others. If I could bottom line what my takeaway is from my journey as a worker it would be appropriate to quote UFC fighter Urijah Faber, “dream big, stay positive, work hard, and enjoy the journey.” Until Next Monday… |
AuthorPollyann Keller Archives
October 2024
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