#14: Transcending the Victim Mentality

The definition of victim mentality is: “an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case.” Many people find comfort (and attention) when they lean in to being a victim. Although I have experienced trauma, abuse, and difficulty throughout my life, I have always refused to lock myself in the cage of victimhood. 

Transcending the victim orientation is not easy. However, it is absolutely possible and necessary in order to live a joyful life. When you feel “woe is me” for negative experiences, that mindset not only poisons your life but also those around you. If you are a parent, this means you are modeling being a victim to your kids. So rather than feeling empowered and taking actionable steps, they resort to blame and inaction. Or they may feel like they need to rescue and care for you because you are unable. This means your child has to take care of you and grow too fast (which is unfair to them). Similarly, your partner may choose to rescue and coddle you or it can make them grow apathetic and distant from you. So, if you cannot transcend the victim for your own benefit, do it for the loved ones in your life. 

Horrible events happen that can be classified as cruel, traumatic, or unfair. You can be victimized by strangers, friends, family members, people you respect, and even yourself. Coping is often challenging when we feel victimized and we feel isolated and overwhelmed. But I believe embracing the role of the victim, over time, becomes more detrimental to one’s health than the original event. This is because people “self medicate” with substances, food, and other unhealthy habits. 

In my life I have experienced so many traumatic events and abusive relationships (I detailed some of those experiences in my last blog post). But I have chosen to rebuke the label of victim. Instead, I empower myself by being a creator and building the life I want to live (and that I want my husband and children to experience). I choose to move forward (sometimes barely and on my tip toes). I avoided all substances and made an investment into my physical health. Doing these things weren't the easy choice, but the right one. 

Below are several tools that I utilize to avoid the victim mindset. I share what works for me not as a prescription, but as an example. I challenge you to try them out and determine for yourself if they work for you or inspire you to get curious and ask yourself what you might need to help yourself transcend the victim label. 

1. Get Uncomfortable With Being Uncomfortable 
2. Embrace the Unknown (Leave Unhealthy Situations) 
3. Be the Creator (Don’t Wait for a Savior) 
4. Accept the Situation 
5. Look Yourself in the Mirror (Outlook and Mindset) 
6. Live in the Here and Now 

You can be free and let yourself out of the cage that confines you. Maybe you feel like a victim at work, in relation to your spouse or child, or due to a traumatic event. Perception is reality. A cancer diagnosis cannot be changed. How you choose to live each moment after that diagnosis though is your choice. Excusing bad behavior because of your past traumas is also a choice. And finally, choosing to thrive regardless of your circumstances and past by creating in the here and now is a choice. I challenge you to open your cage, and fly. 

Until Next Monday...