When you grow up in a home being physically and emotionally abused by your mother, there are inevitable impacts. I don’t know if there is a worse feeling than being abused by your own flesh and blood–especially the woman who brought you into this world. A mother is supposed to raise you with unconditional love in a happy and healthy home; she is not supposed to call you horrible names and beat you.
As a child, I looked around and saw friends with their parents. From my vantage point, it appeared their homes were filled to the brim with love, support and care. I simultaneously craved and resented this (and then felt guilt and shame for harboring such sentiments). Though when I became a parent in my twenties, I was able to pause and reflect on my childhood and relationship with my mother. My former feelings of hurt and anger turned to sorrow and empathy. I was able to consider my mom’s childhood, her abusive relationships, and her own struggles with mental health. My mother did love me, I realized. But she was a tortured soul, who could not provide what I needed because she was not mentally capable nor taught appropriate ways. I though, could (and did) choose to show up differently for my children. I made 3 choices: 1: I made a choice to forgive her. Remember, forgiveness is never for the person being forgiven, instead, forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. 2: I made a choice to let go of expectations. Unfortunately, I know my mother will never be the mother I desire her to be. As I took responsibility for my own life and choices, I stopped seeking any type of parental love and support. In fact, I realized I did not need my parents’ support or belief in me. The same reasons they could not meet my needs as a child are the same reasons, they will not be able to meet my needs into adulthood. By finding my worth in Christ and myself, my parents could no longer hurt me. 3: I made a choice to set boundaries. I knew the onus was on me to set boundaries. The choice to take the phone call was mine. The topics of our conversations or the language I allowed her to use (at times hateful or harsh) were up to me to accept. For example, if she said something mean, I would remind her of the boundary and let her know I would hang up or leave if she continued or didn’t respect the boundary. While establishing boundaries can be difficult and hard for the other person to accept, they WILL learn. Accountability and consistency are important to utilize when you are trying to make this shift. Because I refuse to subscribe to the victim mentality, I focus not on the negatives related to my childhood wounds, but instead the emerging positive qualities they’ve afforded me. I focused my attention on breaking the cycle with my own children and being an advocate and support for them and what they need. My experiences have also given me the gifts of gratitude, compassion and independence. I have made a decision to heal the wounds and keep the gifts. Mother’s Day used to be a very difficult day for me. However, we can choose to shift our focus, we can establish boundaries and move forward. We can see the silver lining of a storm. “You don’t develop courage by being happy in our relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” -Epicurus Until Next Monday…
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AuthorPollyann Keller Archives
October 2024
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