There is a different kind of hurt that comes from an unhealthy and abusive parent. A parent is someone who is supposed to show unconditional love and fundamental support. However, many people who have children are not mentally or emotionally equipped to show up in a healthy way for their children. The scarring and hurt that arises from a relationship with an abusive parent isn’t something we talk about enough (if at all). Of course, no one is perfect including our parents. But certain levels of dysfunction become destructive. Unhealthy parents create environments with varying levels of neglect, emotional, verbal, sexual, or physical abuse. Children with these parents experience lying, manipulation, shame, criticism, and shame. Unfortunately, what’s often missing from their lives is warmth, security, and connection.
So, if a child grows up with unhealthy, abusive parents, can this same child–now an adult–have a relationship with those same parents? For me, the answer is a conditional yes. Yes, I can have a connection with my mom and dad, BUT with deliberate and strong boundaries. My relationship is minimal with my parents. I do not create boundaries to control, but instead to protect (myself and my children). I act from a place of love, understanding and kindness. But I needed to remind myself not to expect anything or that they would reciprocate what I chose to put into the relationship. I had to accept the love I deserved would not come back to me. I needed to love myself enough to fill the well that they might try to bleed dry. Unhealthy parents may not be capable of giving you the love and respect you deserve. If your conditions aren’t met, you ARE allowed to slam that door shut and put a lock on it. Healing from an abusive upbringing starts with you. You choose to do it and own the work that goes into your own healing. You must start by acknowledging that the lifetime of messages that left you hollow and scarred ARE WRONG. It requires you to open your heart (which you may have closed to protect yourself from even more pain) and choose to love and validate yourself. You may find that showing love and compassion to the people that hurt you is what's necessary or you may come to a place of peace knowing the greatest gift of self-love and self-respect comes from letting go of that relationship. With deliberate action to move forward, you can bravely proceed to a life that is fulfilling and happy. Be open to the possibilities and make the best decision for YOU. Don’t allow the world to define what your relationships should look like. It’s important to do what is best for YOU, whether people approve of it or not. This is YOUR LIFE! “Make peace with your broken pieces.” -r.h. Sin Until Next Monday…
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AuthorPollyann Keller Archives
October 2024
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